Monday, January 10, 2011

The Heartache No One Sees

I've decided to write what is on my heart tonight, instead of the generic posts I usually write. I may change my mind and delete it, and I probably wont post it to fb because I am slightly embarrassed about it. It's something I never talk about but often cry about. So what is it that is secretly breaking my heart that I am embarrassed about? I want another baby.  

When I was pregnant with Alanna we struggled with the decision to have a tubal after she was born. This would be my 3rd c-section and the doctor said it may be dangerous for me to carry another baby after her. Ultimately, we decided not to tie my tubes and it was even discussed with the doctor before I went in for my surgery. While I was on the table the doctor told me she recommended a tubal. Of course being out of it I agreed. Only to be heart broken afterward. She pushed the tubal my whole pregnancy, so I can't help but think that she just wanted me to do it. But that's probably an over reaction. Either way, I don't feel like i was in the right mind to make a decision that life changing.

So here I am longing for another child and yet no one understands. Everyone thinks I'm crazy because I already have 3, why should I want another one. Truth is I have always wanted a big family. Growing up it was just my mom, dad, my sister and I. My older brother is so much older then me and he wasn't around that often. We didn't have a lot of cousins, at least that we talked too. So for holidays it was just us and my Aunt Maggie. That's it. I always dreamed of tons of people coming over, spending time together, and most of all I wanted a lot of  kids. And yes, please don't get me wrong, I feel truly blessed beyond an measure, but I don't feel.....complete. I have 3 beautiful, amazing, awesome children and I love them more then anything but I still have  an emptiness that I can't begin to explain. I have always wanted 4 kids, ever since I was young. I know I sound crazy but it's hard. Most people who have a tubal make that decision. Mine was taken away from me. I didn't have the choice. That choice was made for me. It hurts. It's hard. It's an everyday struggle.

I blame myself for the fact that Leo will only have 1 biological child. He is wonderful with Madison and Caden, and has never treated them any different then Alanna, but there is still that fact that she is his only. He has been a wonderful father to my children from day 1and has always expressed that he wanted a lot of kids. But I can't give him that. The truth is no one understands my situation, everyone thinks I'm nuts. But I am longing to have another baby. I long to feel that kick again, that wonderful feeling that no one but you can feel. I think about it everyday, everyday it is in the back of my mind. There are days that it is the only thing I can think about. Every time I see a friend announce a pregnancy, or post a pic of their new baby, it cuts a little more. It's hard to deal with. Sometimes I lay in bed a cry.

Everyday I watch my babies get a little older, especially Alanna. And everyday I realize that I will never go through that again. Maybe I am over reacting. I know I need to get over it, yet I am consumed with the constant thought of it. I guess like everything, there is what you will call a grieving process. Maybe this is part of mine. Maybe this is the first step to moving on. All I can do is keep praying about it, and I guess that's what I will keep doing.


pam parto said...

I understand where you are coming from. Some women love the feeling of being pregnant and being a Mom so much that they continue to have babies even if it chances theirs or the babies lives. If the doctor suggested to you not to have any more c-sections she probably knows what she is talking about. A c-section is major surgery and to much surgery isn't good for the body. My cousin has 6 kids and miscarried several because she wanted to be pregnant and have children that she couldn't afford or take care of. Her parents raised at least 3 of them for her. Then when she had a granddaughter she wanted to nurse her so she asked the doctor to give her medicine so she could produce milk. The doctor didn't. You have a very lovely and family and should be thankful for all that you have. Some women never get to experience what you have, even though they would love to. Be thankful for what you have and enjoy them while they are still young because they don't stay that way forever. I know that for sure since my youngest is 16 and the oldest will be 31 this year. PS I'm not saying you can't afford more or aren't grateful for those that you have.

Marty said...

Hey there, thanks for putting your blog on our blog frog community=)

I'm sad to hear what you are going through. It's hard when you see them getting older, knowing there's no going back to those baby days...I feel for you....take care!

Michelle said...

Mrs Pam, That is the reason I went along with it. I just wish I would have waited and got a second opinion. It wasn't fair for her to ask me in the state that I was in. Leo and I had discussed if it were dangerous for me to carry again then we would not risk my life to do so. That would be incredibly selfish, and I wouldn't put that on my kids. But it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

I also feel that if you can't take care of your children that you have you shouldn't have anymore. I can't stand to see people who are like that. My heart breaks for those children.

I try and enjoy every minute with my kids, because like you said it goes by fast. Madison is already 6. i can't tell you where the past 6 years have gone. I love them more then anything and I love being their mom. I have pretty crazy & awesome kids lol.

Michelle said...

Oh and thanks for replying to my post. :)

Letters From Home said...

I know exactly what you mean. We went through years of infertility and it's very hard to want a baby and know you won't have that. We were lucky when I got pregnant with our son (named Leo!) Hopefully, just writing this and hearing from others that know what you are going through will help.

Annie said...

Michelle, I'm sorry that this happened to you. I understand what you mean when you say it wasn't your choice and when you gave the OK, you really weren't in the mindset to make that important of a decision.

Marie said...

I am so sorry for your heartbreak. I am thankful our hospital had a policy that the decision to tie tubes could not be made less than 6 weeks before your due date--I believe it was to avoid situations such as yours.

I hope you will eventually be able to find peace with this. Prayers for peace in this journey.

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