September 11, 2001- We Will Never Forget!

Ten years ago today at 8:46am the whole world changed. I was just starting my senior year of high school. We were warming up in dance class when the art teacher came running in and told us that a plane just hit the World Trade Center. We all  went next door to watch the TV's and see what was happening.  A few minutes later we watched as the second plane hit the second tower and we just stood there in shock. I remember hearing our teacher say we were under attack. Then an announcement was made and we were told to turn off TV's and radios, so we went back to our classroom in silence. None of us knew what to do or what to say so we just sat in a circle and cried and prayed. I think that was the very first and only time we prayed in school. I feel thankful that we were together in that class with Mrs. Rider because we were like a family. A little bit later my mom came to pick me up and we sat glued to the TV for the rest of the evening. I will never forget.

The devastation that took place day is incomprehensible. I was only 17 years old and although it effected me then, watching everything now, 10 years later, as a wife and a mother it is put in a completely different perspecitive. My heart aches for those who lost husbands, wives, and children. I mourn all of those innocent lives taken that day. There are no words to describe what I am feeling other then sadness.

I also feel grateful because although as a nation we were wounded, we came together and stood strong. Everyone at some point , in one way or another reached out to God. I have never in my life seen more patriotism and compassion in my life. People were helping strangers and everyone stood together as one. I am proud to be an American . And I feel blessed and thankful for everyday the Lord gives me.

To all of those who lost their lives on that horrific day, my you peacefully rest in the Lord's arms. To all of the heroes who risked their lives saving others, we thank you. To all of our service men who are still risking their lives for our freedom, we salute you. Thank you! And We Will Never Forget! 

First Day Of School

 Yesterday was Madison's first day of 1st grade! I can't believe she is already in first grade, where did the time go? She was so excited to finally start since it was delayed 2 days because of the storm. Caden went today for a confrence for gradual entrance for pre-k. PRE K! sheesh. He don't really start with class until next week but he was so excited to go today for an hour.

showing off his new backpack :)

My Heart Hurts

I try not to make my blog a woe is me type of thing, but my heart is heavy tonight. I wrote about this before, and I told myself I wouldn't write about it again but the topic is coming up more and more now. I thought I was healing and accepting the fact that I can't have another child but I guess I'm not. Or maybe this is just a set back, I don't know but my heart is aching tonight.No one understands the struggle I battle with, even my close friends don't understand they think I'm crazy to even want another baby. Truth is maybe I am, maybe I am crazy for wanting another child...so what? Even if no one understands me the truth of the matter is... the emptiness is still there.

Just as I started to move on, Leo says; while holding our 7 week old niece, I really want another baby. And there I went....my insides completely fell to pieces. It hurt me so bad, not that he even had an inclination that it had, but it was like a stab in my heart. I can't give that to my husband. The one thing he wants and I can't give that to him. Then tonight he randomly asks about a tubal reversal and the cost of it....and there went another pang. It absolutely kills me knowing that he wants another baby and I can't have anymore. He's always been the one saying we don't need another child, three is enough....so I think that's why it makes it that much harder. I keep praying, asking God to take this away but every time I start to come to terms with it something happens that shatters me, and I have to start all over again. When will it stop? I know people are thinking, stop complaining, you have 3 beautiful babies. They are absolutely right and I am so lucky to be their mommy, but I can't help feeling the longing that my family isn't complete. I will never again have a growing belly and feel that little miracle inside. I will never again feel the overwhelming joy of holding your brand new baby in your arms for the first time. And that makes me sad. For me and for my husband. That option was taken from me and it's something I can never get back.

I guess the only thing for me to do is continue to pray for healing and the will to move past this.