Thursday, September 1, 2011

My Heart Hurts

I try not to make my blog a woe is me type of thing, but my heart is heavy tonight. I wrote about this before, and I told myself I wouldn't write about it again but the topic is coming up more and more now. I thought I was healing and accepting the fact that I can't have another child but I guess I'm not. Or maybe this is just a set back, I don't know but my heart is aching tonight.No one understands the struggle I battle with, even my close friends don't understand they think I'm crazy to even want another baby. Truth is maybe I am, maybe I am crazy for wanting another what? Even if no one understands me the truth of the matter is... the emptiness is still there.

Just as I started to move on, Leo says; while holding our 7 week old niece, I really want another baby. And there I insides completely fell to pieces. It hurt me so bad, not that he even had an inclination that it had, but it was like a stab in my heart. I can't give that to my husband. The one thing he wants and I can't give that to him. Then tonight he randomly asks about a tubal reversal and the cost of it....and there went another pang. It absolutely kills me knowing that he wants another baby and I can't have anymore. He's always been the one saying we don't need another child, three is I think that's why it makes it that much harder. I keep praying, asking God to take this away but every time I start to come to terms with it something happens that shatters me, and I have to start all over again. When will it stop? I know people are thinking, stop complaining, you have 3 beautiful babies. They are absolutely right and I am so lucky to be their mommy, but I can't help feeling the longing that my family isn't complete. I will never again have a growing belly and feel that little miracle inside. I will never again feel the overwhelming joy of holding your brand new baby in your arms for the first time. And that makes me sad. For me and for my husband. That option was taken from me and it's something I can never get back.

I guess the only thing for me to do is continue to pray for healing and the will to move past this.


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